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Rejected Ad for the American Dairy Council
January 5, 2021
Drink some heavy cream
Come on and drink some heavy cream
It's sure to make you healthy and to boost your self esteem
America, it's time for heavy cream
Chug more heavy cream
Infused in your bloodstream
Yeah, let it sculpt your DNA and render you supreme
America, it's time for heavy cream
Worship heavy cream
Sacrifice and scream
From a flaming whirlwind glorified by the hosts of seraphim
The seventh seal is broken
The final judgement spoken
America, it's time for heavy cream
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2. |
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Judith, Meet Me at Applebees
February 7, 2015
They're listening in right now
But I gotta get a message to you somehow
So I'mma say it in code:
The bread is in the toaster
I can't reveal our plans
In a way that they could understand
So I'mma say it in code:
I'm varnishing the pterodactyl
Yeah, the enemy is tapping my phone
So what I say I'm'a say in code
Judith, Judith, Judith
Meet me at Applebees
I made a cipher, a cryptic sequence
And only you can unlock the secret
So Judith, Judith, Judith
Meet me at Applebees
That's right, "Judith" is your name as a spy
To keep you hidden from the FBI
And we will speak in code
The pandas are eating the bundt cakes
I think you know what to do
So I ain't gonna spell it out for you
But let me say it in code
Put the bacon grease into the mailbox
I lied
There is no code
I just really wanted you to go with me to Applebees
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3. |
What Time Is It?
00:51
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What Time Is It?
Dec. 3, 2013
Time to cut my legs off
Time to cut my legs off
Time to cut my fucking legs off
I'm gonna go out to the woods
You know I'mma cut my legs off
Cut my motherfucking legs off
Yes I'mma cut my legs off
Like I knew I always should
Now it's time to cut my legs off
Mama said cut my legs off
Time to cut my legs off
S'gonna feel so fucking good
'Cause I been dying to cut my legs off
Cut my fucking legs off
It's time to cut my legs off
Join the legless neighborhood
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4. |
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The Eternal Persistence of Dread
October 13, 2012
I was only a boy when my life was destroyed
By a nagging dark fear in my head
So profane it's profound, well there's no getting round
The eternal persistence of dread
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
It's a lingering curse and it only gets worse
The eternal persistence of dread
And with each passing year, how I tasted the fear
That so bittered my daily bread
And my youth fell away, but I'll tell you what stayed:
The eternal persistence of dread
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
It strikes ladies and gents and it never relents
The eternal persistence of dread
And now I'm an old man, but I don't understand
Why they call the sky blue when it's red
Cause the sun gives no sign it could ever outshine
The eternal persistence of dread
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
It's blacker than black and it always comes back
The eternal persistence of dread
On the day that I die, don't go wondering why
All my friends except one will have fled
It's more constant than love, yes I'm still speaking of
The eternal persistence of dread
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
The eternal persistence of dread — DREAD!
It goes deeper than death, never runs out of breath
The eternal persistence of dread
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5. |
A Terrible Song
00:15
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A Terrible Song
spring 1996
And this is the beginning
Of a terrible song
And this is the middle
Of a terrible song
And this is the end
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6. |
The Boiler Room Anthem
00:50
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The Boiler Room Anthem
April 22, 2019
I was living in a radical Maoist cell
In the boiler room of a big hotel
Where nobody went 'cause nobody knew it was there
We were talking in a language that only we
Understood because how could it be
That anyone else had any good sense to care
We were in love!
All ten of us!
Dressed in our chef hats
We knew that was enough
There was more stuff
But it didn't matter
There was no downside
It was a cottony landslide of crystals and botany
Man, I'd go crazy if I could recapture the patter
But Saturday I'll be
Returning to my radical Maoist cell
Yes I took a break, which was fine and swell
But I'm coming back and I'm humming black metal tunes
If you're waiting maybe for another shoe to drop
Think again you jackboot fascist cop
For it's great down here in our secret boiler room
Down in the boiler room we dance
Down in the boiler room we sing
It's the start of a whole new world
It's the start of a whole new thing
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7. |
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Hey Hey Kitty (I'm Petting a Dog)
May 14, 2014
Hey hey kitty!
I'm petting a dog!
I'm petting a dog!
What'cha think about that?
Hey hey kitty!
I'm petting a dog!
But when I'm done
Then I'll pet the cat—that's you!
So don't you get jealous or bent out of shape
You'll get your turn soon enough
Hey hey kitty!
I'm petting a dog!
But I'm about to give you some love
That's right—you're next on the list for my love!
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8. |
How to Be a Success
02:24
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How to Be a Success
December 11, 2015
I was having a tough time in high school
When my counsellor said to me
I'm gonna give you a test
A personality test
That'll tell ya what you should be
So I penciled in all of the bubbles
The machine spat out the result
Should I find an employer, a Realtor, a lawyer?
No! It said, Join a Cult!
I'm gonna join a cult
I'm gonna join a cult
So don't you insult me babe
Who's gonna join a cult? Me! Hey!
I'm gonna join a cult
I'm gonna join a cult
It's gonna catapult me to be a success!
So I sold all my stuff off on craigslist
And said Dad, I'll see you around
I'm gonna find a guy
Who can tell me just why
I found the guy that I found
And I'll worship him wearing a tunic
And forest animals I'll consult
You'll hear the moose and mice
Give honest advice
If you join me in the cult
This story is not cautionary
I am happy, I am very
I lay claim to truth
And I'm an adult!
And I'm gonna join a cult!
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9. |
Ulcer False Alarm Ulcer
02:58
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Ulcer False Alarm Ulcer
April 26, 2015, based on a 1996 idea
I know a place where the microbes go
Where the acid rises with a deathly flow
Burning and burning and burning within
Esophagus and stomach and the intestine
Ulcer!
False alarm
Ulcer!
False alarm
Ulcer!
False alarm
This is no false alarm!
I know diseases, I hope I've got rabies
I know a word that they spoke in the eighties
I know a feeling that's hotter than Hades
Here's a condition to charm all the ladies
Let's go get an ulcer
There's enough for two
One will be for me
One will be for you
Let's go scream forever
Scream for medicine
Wait, is this a false alarm?
The universe has lied to us!
I know a place where the insides go
In a klein bottle loop, with a mandelbrot flow
Burning and burning and burning inside
Burrowing deeper but you never can hide
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10. |
Literally Industrial
01:16
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Literally Industrial
June 15, 2017
A sample from The Matrix
Kick
Snare
Crash
Hat
Bass
Full Metal Jacket sample
String
A southern preacher speaking in increasingly frenzied tones, ranting and raving to a congregation filmed off TV, saying something uncomfortable about Jesus!
Robocop sample
Villain from The X-Files
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11. |
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The Internet Is Falling Into Soviet Hands
January 28, 2016
The internet is falling into Soviet hands
The internet is falling into Soviet hands
I'm shouting out a prayer and a list of demands
The internet is falling into Soviet hands
America is falling into Soviet hands
America is falling into Soviet hands
General Motors sold to Japan
Soviet hands
Soviet hands
Is it winter yet
On the internet?
Is there interest
In the future?
Is it winter yet
On the internet?
In the hinterlands
Drill a hole in your head
I cannot read your disk
Shall I reformat this?
Have you installed the latest version of System 6?
Plug in another SIMM
Connect with thirty pins
A math coprocessor will surely make your hard drive spin
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12. |
Gothic Yard Sale
03:00
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Gothic Yard Sale
August 8, 2021
Welcome to my Gothic Yard Sale
Behold the glory of my stuff
Come to my gothic yard, it's not that hard
Just prove that you're cool enough
Are you worthy of a VHS of The Crow?
It's exceedingly rare, I'll have you know
And don't call it a movie; this is art
You probably won't get it unless you're smart
Are you worthy of my VINYL PANTS?
In which I did the VINYL DANCE?
They can be yours for fifty bucks
If you can name the best album by Clan of Xymox
I'm gatekeeping at my Gothic Yard Sale
Behold the glory of my stuff
Come to my gothic yard, it's not that hard
Just prove that you're cool enough
Are you worthy of my Sandman comic book?
I know that Neil Gaiman is famous now but look
See I was a fan before you were alive
No I don't have change for a five
Are you worthy of my scratched CDs
From when I DJed in 2003?
The price is fair—so don't call me a jerk
What other sale has got Apoptygma Berzerk?
At my Gothic Yard Sale
There should be WAY more people here
'Cause I posted on LiveJournal
And I'm playing Tears for Fears—the first album
And it's far too sunny weather
To appreciate all my boots of pleather
And the velvet poet shirt I wore
To the '98 Bauhaus reunion tour
Are you worthy of it?
Are you worthy of it?
NO! I can't go on NO!
Are you worthy of it?
Are you worthy of it?
Get off of my lawn
Come back to my Gothic Yard Sale
And tell me that I didn't waste my youth
Worshipping the Sisters of Mercy in suburban New Jersey
I need a little proof
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